Know the Four ENFJ Death Hugs
ENFJs recognize four styles of death hugging: the Bear, the Octopus, the Limpet, and the deadly Anaconda. Although few have observed these Huggalan rites (and fewer still have lived to tell about them), what little information is known can help you recognize and defend against the ENFJ's deadliest weapon: the hug.
Favored by larger ENFJs, this powerful, rib-clamping hug is a sure killer. The ENFJ surrounds the victim with both arms, pinioning their arms to their sides. The "Squeeze" commences. If the victim attempts to struggle or pull away, the ENFJ will lift their feet off the ground and spin them around in circles to disorient them. The ENFJ's joyful squeals serve to drown out the victim's cries for help.
Lightly built, nimble ENFJs prefer the Octopus. When the ENFJ sets eyes upon their victim, they will run towards them and lunge in a tiger-like leap, then clamp both arms and legs around the victim's torso. This usually knocks the wind out of the victim and invariably upsets their balance, knocking them over and leaving them easy prey for the Octopus to finish off by suffocation. The most important thing to remember when fending off the Octopus is to never, ever go down. Once you're down, it's all over.
The Limpet is the longest of all hugs; only the most clingy of ENFJs can successfully pull off this exceptionally long and strenuous maneuver. The Limpet is usually initiated with a deceptive one-armed hug which lulls the victim into a false sense of security. Just when the one-armed hug has reached full closure, the ENFJ will whip their other arm around the victim in a lightning move and clamp fast. They then hang onto their prey, limpet-like, until the struggles cease and the victim goes limp. (This may take several hours depending upon the victim's stamina, hence the strenuous nature of this hug.) Beware the limpets; they are most friendly of all ENFJs.
The deadliest of all the hugs, the Anaconda is taught only to the most dedicated Huggalan cultists. Due to the secrecy surrounding this technique, its exact nature is something of a mystery, but the results are, alas, all too well documented. Along with a fish-like breathing pattern, victims display popped out eyeballs, cracked ribs, deflated lungs, and purple skin color. In addition, oxygen deprivation to the brain produces hallucinations, and the victims often suffer delusions of having been wrapped up in the coils of a giant snake--hence the name of this terrible hug. Curiously, victims almost all report a sense of euphoria; this is most likely related to the afforementioned state of oxygen deprivation.
- Some ENFJs will add inconspicuous strips of velcro to their clothing in order to trap the huggee in an inseparable embrace.
- Gregarious extraverts by nature, ENFJs have been known to hunt in packs. If you find yourself followed by ENFJs, perform the following procedure: Begin to limp, cover your mouth with your shirt collar, pretend to cough uncontrollably, and shout, “Unclean, unclean!”
- DO NOT raise your arms over your head in an attempt to look bigger. This provides the perfect opening for a hug, and will prompt an immediate charge. Your best bet is to hold your arms out, away from your sides with fists clenched to protect the fingers.
- Avoid tree-huggers. They are likely Anaconda practitioners exercising their muscles by attempting to kill full-grown trees by strangulation.
ENFJs may reveal themselves by the movies they like. Remember these ENFJ favorites and survive:
- "Hugged to Death" - Police track down a psychopath who suffocates his victims with a bizarre "strangehug." Rated R.
- "Hugged to Death II" - (the modern remake) "The suspense thriller that will leave you BREATHLESS!" "First he smothered them with affection, phone calls, love notes and gifts. Then he smothered them for real." For mature audiences only.